A Game of Lawful Stupid
by Rosewood Trinity
Summary: A Diablo 2 short featuring a cowardly Paladin, pushy Sorceress, drunken Necromancer and not a hint of seriousness in sight.


A clatter echoed down the hall of the crypt and the Paladin nearly jumped out of his armor, waving his sword around. "What was that, what was that?"

The Sorceress clamped her hand over his mouth before the twitchy fool could scream and ruin any bit of stealth they had going for them. "It sounded like bones to me. A place like this would be full of them. Now shut up and let's go have a peek. Maybe we can get the drop on some skeletons."

Giving a whimpering mumble that she took for an agreement, the sorceress crept ahead as quietly as she could while pulling her cowardly companion along by his lips. By now she'd learned how quickly he could flee at the stupidest things and leave her to deal with whatever problems crawled out of the woodwork.

An indistinct voice came from one of the rooms off the hallway and she sped up, pulling him along harder since he started dragging his feet upon hearing it. The voice quieted as they approached the room it was coming from. The duo glanced at each other for a moment, then peered into the room.

It wasn't at all what they were expecting. A Necromancer was sitting on the floor by a thick stone lid that had been taken from the coffin he was leaning against. Three skeletons sat by the other sides of the lid, and all of them were holding... playing cards?

The Necromancer picked one of the bottles sitting next to him and took a drink. "Winning five games in a row... you can't be that lucky, Roger, you're dead for crying out loud!" He complained loudly, looking at the skeleton to his right.

"What the hell?" The sorceress whispered, glancing at the Paladin. He shrugged in reply and the necromancer started up again.

"Did you hollow out a rib bone to slip cards into or som- HEY! You want me to snap that finger off? If you keep using it like that, I will!"

The Sorceress rolled her eyes. "Isn't this the part where you're supposed to suggest we go smite the minion of evil?"

"Uh... well..." The Paladin scratched his head. "...he doesn't seem to be doing anything too bad. Aside from the heavy drinking. How many bottles do you think are laying around him? About a dozen?"

"I counted almost twenty, but that's beside the point." She replied shortly. "He's with skeletons, doesn't that scream evil to you?"

He fidgeted uncomfortably, as if he wanted to run off. Unfortunately for him his partner was now keeping a firm grip on the collar of his chestplate. Still, it was a better place to be held than his mouth. "I'm pretty sure he didn't kill them in the first place, so..."

The Sorceress glared at him. "You are the sorriest excuse for a Paladin I've ever seen. Now get in there and do some smiting."

"D-Do I have to?"

"YES!" Jerking the Paladin forward and making him stumble, she pushed him into the room. Backwards. He landed on his back with a mighty clash thanks to his armor and dropped his sword on impact.

"Uh... h-hello." The Paladin stuttered, giving the Necromancer and his two skeletal minions a nervous grin while frantically feeling around in the other direction for his sword, not realizing it was a good two feet away from his outstretched hand.

The Necromancer scowled at him. "You just crushed our fourth player."

"Oh... I'm sorry... I wasn't-"

"If you're really sorry, you'll replace him. I'm still well stocked on alcohol and I don't plan on going anywhere until I need more." He took another hit from the bottle before continuing. "Maybe some fresh meat will liven things up. I'm still not convinced Roger here wasn't che- what did I tell you about that finger!"

Sitting himself upright, the Paladin turned and knocked away the bones of the previous player. While he was focused on that, the Necromancer had snatched up the fallen cards, shuffled them and started dealing the next hand.

Meanwhile, the Sorceress was staring at the pair of them from the hallway like they were idiots. A Paladin and a Necromancer, who by all accounts should be mortal enemies, sitting together for a game of poker without a threat even being uttered. As tempting as it was to step in and knock both of them upside the head with her staff, she sighed and turned to leave. While they were goofing off, she could do something constructive... like setting zombies on fire and looting a few graves. That was always fun.


End file.
